My future wasn’t at home. The mountains had called from their peaks above the clouds, the rivers below beckoned like Sirens in the distance. For the first time in many years, my palm felt the whir of fly line being stripped. My riflescope had settled behind the shoulders of caribou, moose and black bear. The fire of my youth had simmered to embers over the preceding decade, and the winds of the Mat-Su valley had brought them back to life. My children would be raised in the Chugiak mountains of Alaska, chasing game and filleting salmon under the midnight sun.
And yet, and yet.
My roots were in New England, and the tree of my life wouldn’t stand here. I was becoming your favorite party guest, regaling with tales of the wild, but my heart was heavy. In man’s early days, proximity was mandatory for survival, but in modernity, we have become free to live where we like. We do not require one another’s skills for physical survival in the way we once did. Even still, our nature has not changed.
In a world that is centered on the individual and their proclivities, how do we show our children that the best life is one surrounded by, dependent upon and belonging to family? The draws to do the opposite are real, and they are ubiquitous. I do not believe every individual has to live by family, surely there is a lane in our world for the adventurer, the explorer. Indeed we would not have our world without them. But for the majority, I believe there are four core pillars we can build our approach on to raise a family that stays close - physically and relationally.
1. Land
My grandfather bought land in the lakes region of New Hampshire many years ago, and it has been the central hub of our family for 65 years. Evenings on canoes with cousins chasing smallmouth bass on topwater rigs, uncles jumping off the dock to avoid an aberrant firework and sweaty afternoons putting nets over blueberry fields are still the stories that draw belly laughs around campfires today. The place itself facilitated relationship building, memory formation and a sense of belonging. There is something about the connection between place and identity that has been engrained in our being. For my family, that place has been a separate location, but it does not need to be so for every family.
2. Culture
My wife was pregnant with our fourth child when the state called about a foster baby that had just been born, and was detoxing from the drugs she was exposed to in utero. We preached a culture of doing hard things, and now we got to show our kids we meant it. But culture isn’t only formed in big decisions. How we navigate a rainy Tuesday afternoon, how we celebrate birthdays, how we approach wins and losses, how we talk around the dinner table; these are all nails in the structure of our children’s home. A family culture can be simply a reactive one, where your lives are dictated by sports and school schedules, and the space for family is whatever is left over. Or family culture can be curated, with priorities both discussed and manifested. I could not show my children the importance of loving their grandparents or living in proximity if I was having that discussion on a riverbank 5000 miles from my own parents and siblings. Children don’t always listen, but they always watch. This is where culture builds and defines. Smaller decisions made daily will form people who are drawn into it, or who grow up indifferent. Our schedule reflect our priorities, and will teach our children how a life should be ordered.
3. Business
My uncle learned the skill of plumbing from my grandfather, who learned it from his father, and the result is a stable, successful enterprise with long, trusting relationships throughout the region. A child reared in the expectation of taking over the family business can be taught different parts of the organization from a young age and grow in responsibility over time, working for and with his father along the way. I can think of few better ways to deepen bonds between generations than working together for decades, and sharing in the joys, pains and daily monotony of life. Not everyone is in a field where they can pass on a business to their children, but we all have skills and lessons we can pass on. And I would venture that there is a business, whether full or part-time that you could start and teach your children, and then hand to them to grow and expand.
4. Community
My friend was diagnosed about 2 years ago with a rare illness, which would debilitate him for many months (he is still not back to normal), and leave his wife saddled with caring for their 6 children while he was hospitalized hours from home. Upon hearing of his illness, their church and social communities began providing child care, meals, and sharing the burden together. You see, we are not meant to live as autonomous individuals. In community with others, we share in the joys and pains of each of our lives. The sacrifices are real, and undertaken willingly. My children know that if something happened to anyone in our family, that there are many families on guard to assist us. They feel like they belong. They are part of something bigger than themselves. To that end, their roots extend beyond our family and into a broader context.
In this life, there are no guarantees. You could build the most robust home life and community, and have a family business and land to grant your children, and they may still leave. My own children are young, and I may look back in twenty years and tell you it didn’t work. While nothing is certain, we live in the present and make the best choices we can. We know that if we sit idly by, that the world will offer some alluring opportunity that will take our children far from us. There are times that they may even be called to do so. The good news here is that even if they leave, building towards these pillars will make for a fulfilling, rewarding, and fruitful home. It is my prayer that my children will come alongside my wife and I in rootedness, intentionality, selflessness and love for one another. I believe this is how we were designed to live.
Scott Wambolt
Founder/CEO, Wambolt
